Hello and welcome to 25 years of Eastenders. I haven’t watched this programme for several years and have no idea what’s going on. Let’s begin.
00.38 – did Bradley and Stacey get back together?
00.58 – who is that girl with awful hair? Good lord, it’s Ian Beale’s daughter! When did she start dressing like a slut? And why is Phil Mitchell shouting at her?
01.08 – Bianca and Ricky are back in it? They just got married? Janine’s back?!
01.55 – Jack has forgotten his lines and is just shouting incoherently. This is actually quite brilliant.
02.25 – Stacey is pregnant by a mystery someone. Ooh.
03.18 – “you did this to me”. Did what? There’s nothing on your face, love.
04.30 – Peggy hasn’t even aged! Incredible.
05.31 – oh Dot, are you still banging on about Nick?
05.56 – June’s daughter is the other bride? Stacey and Bradley got married too?! And she’s pregnant?! The scandal never stops round ‘ere.
06.05 – ‘Sip, flip or strip’ with the cast of Eastenders. I am struggling to think of anything that would be more horrific right now. Especially as Minty is playing.
06.26 – a black girl who isn’t that loudmouthed, pretty one. What was her name? Chelsea? Oh yeah. Did she leave and need to be replaced so that Eastenders could maintain their ethnicity quota? Anyway, this one seems mute.
08.40 – Peggy threatening Janine followed straightaway by Phil slapping around Ian. I see the Mitchells haven’t lost their touch.
09.13 – Stacey seems obsessed by some red handprints on a piece of paper, could this be a clue? Is someone concerned about having blood on their hands?
11.17 – who is the father? I am quite confused.
11.50 – I wonder just how many times Phil has threatened to kill Ian now.
13.13 – Max and Stacey seemed a bit close there, hmmm.
13.45 – Mute Girl is doing her famous Aqua Marina impression, once again.
14.25 – Minty has no shirt on. Oh dear.
15.16 – was that supposed to be blood? Because it looks like poster paint.
16.52 – oh god, they’ve got a home video from 1985. I guess this where the ’25 years of Eastenders’ part comes into play then.
18.24 – trying to make a stealthy get away in stilettos wasn’t exactly a good idea now was it?
19.11 – it’s those two blonde sisters who live in the pub and squawk a lot. Why would the one with the fascinator think her sister would lie about being raped by her dad? She’s clearly quite dense.
21.35 – alright Bradley, so you’ve forgotten the passports. Go into hiding in England then, you don’t have to go abroad! Just don’t go back!!
23.13 – the sisters (Ronnie and Roxy?) are fighting! Of course it’s going to take a seasoned matriarch like Peggy to sort them out.
23.41 - PEGGY KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT ARCHIE’S DEATH *DRAMATIC PAUSE*
25.03 – turns out she just found him lying on the floor and decided to leave him there…boring.
25.16 – oh god, all these old clips are awful. And because they’re taken from old episodes, not at all believable as a home video.
26.13 – oh no, the tape’s broken. What a shame.
27.29 – “you got away with it”. So Shirley, are you saying Phil is responsible?
29.05 – get chased by the police, climb a roof. Of course it’s logical!
29.50 – lots of terrified faces. Mute Girl is back. Did she love Bradley or something? Also, she hasn’t been on screen for 16 minutes, was she just stood in the square the entire time?
30.16 – probably the most comical falling off a building committed to screen. One minute Bradley is fine, then realises he has to fall so stumbles a bit and off he goes.
30.29 – everyone else is screaming and crying, Mute girl remains mute.
31.02 – oh lovely Max, that’s really pleasant. Thank god they cut away from your ghastly attempts at being sick.
31.08 – a supposedly dead Bradley just moved a bit, haha.
31.50 – so it was YOU! And now your husband is dead. And you are pregnant by someone else. Unfortunate.
31.55 – here come the drums…that was a bit rubbish.